I can't believe I skipped posting in February! Why? I think I had my head up my @#$@#$ to avoid complete and total visible melt-down. February rushed by me like a squirrel on crack - whatever that's like - I can only imagine. The kids were shuffled, fed and in-bed - while I spent many sleepless night agonizing over work, relationships, health, skin, etc.
I have come to the conclusion that we know life only in the present - because the future does not exist yet. So, I have a MARCH RESOLUTION. I will not waste a day in March. I will enjoy my little moments and have the second cup of coffee, drink the extra cups of water, enjoy the red wine, eat too much cheese and say the F-word out loud (a lot.) (Not in front of the kids :)
OK - so I do these things anyway - but in MARCH, I will not feel guilty about a single F@#$ing moment of it.
BTW - Francisco (the tormenting 9-yr old) had a lovely (ha) school project due in February. After an emotional tsunami (his, then mine) we produced a knight costume and a journal written in 1st person as if he were a knight. We spent hours searching maps, jousting tournaments and costumes on the internet. We learned about Uzbeks Turks (which he now says at least once daily.) I learned that Francisco particularly enjoyed the maps and we found a wonderful website with interactive tools that showed invasions and shifting boundaries. Umberto (the dramatic 5 year old) proved to be a natural ice-skater this month and learned to skate like a little pro in only a few hours on a back-yard ice rink. I, of course, couldn't watch. I had visions of concussions, blood and broken bones. A hockey Mom - I will never be. Oh! Canada. Arrgh.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
When Mom is Down
Recently, I began a round of antibiotics that produced terrible side effects. Without being explicitly gross, let's just say that the water bill at my house will be tripled this month. With absolutely no energy and no desire to move from the reclining position, my household is struggling to maintain some sort of normalcy.
I have had a number of health issues over the years that have been set-backs in my life - and I haven't focused on my health - especially with exercise. Since the day that I had to stop running because of 'wrecked' knees, I never started anything else. I gave up. My mother told me that not paying attention to the signs and signals that my body gave me - would eventually come back to haunt me - and it has.
But I am absolutely determined to focus on my health this year. I may start small - with stretching - but I have to start. At 41, I cannot wait any longer - and neither can my boys.
I have had a number of health issues over the years that have been set-backs in my life - and I haven't focused on my health - especially with exercise. Since the day that I had to stop running because of 'wrecked' knees, I never started anything else. I gave up. My mother told me that not paying attention to the signs and signals that my body gave me - would eventually come back to haunt me - and it has.
But I am absolutely determined to focus on my health this year. I may start small - with stretching - but I have to start. At 41, I cannot wait any longer - and neither can my boys.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
The Mammogram
Yesterday, I went for my first Mammogram. I had 'put it off' for over a year now. I was simply afraid. The apprehension covered me like fog on a south Arkansas spring morning. After the typical rush to school - I arrived at the lab 30 minutes early. There was a line down the hall and every chair was occupied. The laboratory is in the basement of an old building, and as a designer, I know that it is over capacity. The warm carbon dioxide leaves me almost breathless, as I quickly exit the room to gasp for air on the street. At 9:30, I reluctantly walk down to the registration desk to give them my name. After a few moments of waiting, I am called to a little 2'X2' curtained cubicle to undress and gown. I wait to be called. After only a few moments that seem extraordinarily long, I am ushered down a dark corridor to a room with a huge gray machine. It has dim pink metal accents, but they are not comforting. The technician asks me to sit in a chair across the room. She stands approximately 12 feet away and quizzes my about my personal and family history. The personal history is brief, but the family history is a dissertation. After its completion, I am asked to stand in front of the machine, and align myself to a plastic tablet with center-line marks. My sister refers to this machine as the 'booby squishing' machine and has assured my that with my generous DDs that it won't be painful. I am docile as the technician holds my right breast, aligns it and places it on the tablet. She reaches for some soft of adjusting device and the breast is squeezed between two plates. The top plate is transparent. I am not thrilled that I can see my breast being squeezed and flattened like a hamburger patty being readied for a summertime grill. The uncomfortable 'factor' is more from the stretching of the skin and the pulling of the tissue. It is slightly painful, but the experience is devoid of dignity. I imagine that if there is a medical test that requires a man's penis to be flattened like a roll of sugar cookie dough - it would be a short lived medical device. Yet, here I am standing in a cold, clinical room with my breasts trapped in the booby squashing device - just as my fellow females have for decades. I think of Ellen Kay, my cousin, battling breast cancer - who has a cheerful optimism like sunshine. I think of her mother, Ernestine, who lost her battle to breast cancer so long ago. I think of my Grandmother, who was diagnosed early on and survived. I think of my cousin, Cecile, who's breast cancer was discovered in stage 4. Her body was overcome with tumors. I think of my vivacious sister, Pam, who's doctor just reported her mammogram as abnormal. She awaits an ultrasound. I am diminished. And I wait.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Welcome 2010!
Happy New Year Everyone!
The last five weeks have been like the center of a hurricane. We rushed into a vacation before Christmas holiday with a cruise to the Caribbean. Sounds like a great idea, right? The cruise was super cheap, so we thought it was the perfect way to have some family time together and relax. Little did we know that there is a reason why cruises from NYC are super cheap during the winter. Let's just say that I am thankful for Dramamine. However, Dramamine does little good when there are 20 ft swells and 50 MPH winds! I can sum up the cruise with one word: VOMIT.
OK - let me get past the super gross stuff. The holidays were good. God answered my prayer for no snow and for the first time since I moved to Toronto, we had a barren Christmas. Woo Hoo! I did marathon shopping, marathon wrapping (thanks to dear friend Christina) and marathon clean-up. I even got one BIG CHORE done when I cleaned out the kitchen cupboards and the fridge. We squeezed in two movies: Squeakuel and Nine. Both were slightly disappointing, but who cares? I had a moment's peace and quiet and a big bag of popcorn.
During the holiday parties, I was thoroughly entertained watching friends get inebriated and make ridiculous comments. But, I missed my friends from work and I missed my 'own' family, i.e, sister, nephews and sister-in-law. And I dreamed about my parents - strange long, twisted dreams of conversations that never happened. The past five weeks flew by with record speed and the elapsed time made me year for days sitting under a tree in the warm Arkansas spring - where time slows an indiscernible pace.
Speaking of dreams, last night I dreamed that I met the Pope at a VIP party in a large elevator in Houston. My date was a cowboy who was afraid that he wasn't dressed up enough. I entered the party on the 89 floor of a tower and impressed the Pope because I was the only one who could make the sign of the cross. During the party, I made an astute comment about football (like that could ever happen!) and was disturbed that the Pope seemed to 'take a liking' to a glamorous guest in a long yellow gown. I was happy to get the SWAG bag, which contained a saffron colored silk Sari, which they were giving away to promote the South Asian community. Crazy right? I am usually really good at analyzing dreams, but that one takes the cake!
Tomorrow begins the 'routine' of school for the boys and work for me. I use the word 'routine' loosely, because my life is anything but repetitive. Repetition is not for me. I live on the edge of reason - but I like it that way.
The last five weeks have been like the center of a hurricane. We rushed into a vacation before Christmas holiday with a cruise to the Caribbean. Sounds like a great idea, right? The cruise was super cheap, so we thought it was the perfect way to have some family time together and relax. Little did we know that there is a reason why cruises from NYC are super cheap during the winter. Let's just say that I am thankful for Dramamine. However, Dramamine does little good when there are 20 ft swells and 50 MPH winds! I can sum up the cruise with one word: VOMIT.
OK - let me get past the super gross stuff. The holidays were good. God answered my prayer for no snow and for the first time since I moved to Toronto, we had a barren Christmas. Woo Hoo! I did marathon shopping, marathon wrapping (thanks to dear friend Christina) and marathon clean-up. I even got one BIG CHORE done when I cleaned out the kitchen cupboards and the fridge. We squeezed in two movies: Squeakuel and Nine. Both were slightly disappointing, but who cares? I had a moment's peace and quiet and a big bag of popcorn.
During the holiday parties, I was thoroughly entertained watching friends get inebriated and make ridiculous comments. But, I missed my friends from work and I missed my 'own' family, i.e, sister, nephews and sister-in-law. And I dreamed about my parents - strange long, twisted dreams of conversations that never happened. The past five weeks flew by with record speed and the elapsed time made me year for days sitting under a tree in the warm Arkansas spring - where time slows an indiscernible pace.
Speaking of dreams, last night I dreamed that I met the Pope at a VIP party in a large elevator in Houston. My date was a cowboy who was afraid that he wasn't dressed up enough. I entered the party on the 89 floor of a tower and impressed the Pope because I was the only one who could make the sign of the cross. During the party, I made an astute comment about football (like that could ever happen!) and was disturbed that the Pope seemed to 'take a liking' to a glamorous guest in a long yellow gown. I was happy to get the SWAG bag, which contained a saffron colored silk Sari, which they were giving away to promote the South Asian community. Crazy right? I am usually really good at analyzing dreams, but that one takes the cake!
Tomorrow begins the 'routine' of school for the boys and work for me. I use the word 'routine' loosely, because my life is anything but repetitive. Repetition is not for me. I live on the edge of reason - but I like it that way.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Just love those INFRACTIONS!
What a week! It seems like I packed a month into this one. Tuesday night at work, we had our national awards celebration, so there is a lot of preparation that goes into the evening. I am the host/emcee, so I have to rev up to be at my best. I was so proud of the evening! Toward the end, my feet were numb (damn those 'Oh Heavenly Sole' shoes) and could barely stand, but I was happy to head home glowing in the after bliss. That is - until I rounded the corner in my neighborhood and I noticed the whirling flash of police lights behind me. It seems that I had made a 'rolling stop'. It was about 12:30 AM and I was exhausted - and was only one block from my house.
After a polite interrogation (they thought I had been drinking and were curious why I was dressed so glam on a Tuesday night), I received TWO infractions. Don't you just love the word INFRACTION? One for the rolling stop and one for driving with a suspended license. YES, that's right, it seems that I had forgotten to pay a previous ticket in May for not having a sticker on my ownership paper and my license had been suspended. So - on the spot, I got a court date, January 6th, and began to tally up the $$$ in my tired little head.
I truly believe that the police have some sort of tracker on my truck! Until last year, I had not gotten a ticket in 20 years. Then all of a sudden, 4 tickets (as least) this past year! Curses, curses, curses. So, I am at risk for losing my license. Do you realize that if this happens, I might as well curl up and die? Why? Because the GERMS on public transportation will kill me within a week. I call it the Grubway, instead of the Subway. Personally, I love taking public transporation because the traffic in Toronto raises my blood pressure to stroke level, but I have an ailing immune system and consider it to be riskier than carrying a raw steak into a pack of Dobermans.
What else happened this week? Oh, to make a long story short - it contained the following:
forgotten school photos, anniversary of my Mom's death, mountains of dirty laundry, dead mouse in back yard, lots of back talk from the boys, coughing, hacking chest congestion and the warm happy thought that Christmas is just around the corner.
After a polite interrogation (they thought I had been drinking and were curious why I was dressed so glam on a Tuesday night), I received TWO infractions. Don't you just love the word INFRACTION? One for the rolling stop and one for driving with a suspended license. YES, that's right, it seems that I had forgotten to pay a previous ticket in May for not having a sticker on my ownership paper and my license had been suspended. So - on the spot, I got a court date, January 6th, and began to tally up the $$$ in my tired little head.
I truly believe that the police have some sort of tracker on my truck! Until last year, I had not gotten a ticket in 20 years. Then all of a sudden, 4 tickets (as least) this past year! Curses, curses, curses. So, I am at risk for losing my license. Do you realize that if this happens, I might as well curl up and die? Why? Because the GERMS on public transportation will kill me within a week. I call it the Grubway, instead of the Subway. Personally, I love taking public transporation because the traffic in Toronto raises my blood pressure to stroke level, but I have an ailing immune system and consider it to be riskier than carrying a raw steak into a pack of Dobermans.
What else happened this week? Oh, to make a long story short - it contained the following:
forgotten school photos, anniversary of my Mom's death, mountains of dirty laundry, dead mouse in back yard, lots of back talk from the boys, coughing, hacking chest congestion and the warm happy thought that Christmas is just around the corner.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Ivory Soap and the Croup
Last night, Umberto sat straight up and was gasping for air. Since the swine flu fear has everyone is a panic, of course, adrenaline pulsed from my toes to my scalp - until I heard the cough. Croup. Croup. Croup - and a burning hot fever. I suppose this is the first time that I have been thankful that Ummy has the croup. He has had it every single fall season. For those non-parents, the tell-tale sign of croup is the cough that sounds like a barking seal. For Ummy, the cough and fever are always accompanied by a heavy dose of misery. Which means that we are all pretty much miserable. I'll take my whine with some WINE. Red, please.
Sunday nights usually mean a rush to put away all of the clean clothes. I hate putting away clothes. I think I would much rather lay on a steaming hot sidewalk in the summer sunshine sucking on a gas pipe. I know why movies that are set in the future feature people wearing white spandex jump suits. They have wised up and decided that white spandex is bleachable (or contains self cleaning nano particles) and five of them are easy to wash and hang in the closet. It also makes it easy to get dressed in the morning.
Today I bought a multi-pack of Ivory soap. Francisco had been insisting on Ivory soap for over a month. It wasn't that he wanted super clean baby smelling skin, he took a bar and put it on a paper plate and microwaved it for one minute. The result was a giant puff of fluff that looked like a meringue on a home made pie. Purpose? I don't know. It was fun to watch, though.
TTFN - the 9pm whining has begun.
Sunday nights usually mean a rush to put away all of the clean clothes. I hate putting away clothes. I think I would much rather lay on a steaming hot sidewalk in the summer sunshine sucking on a gas pipe. I know why movies that are set in the future feature people wearing white spandex jump suits. They have wised up and decided that white spandex is bleachable (or contains self cleaning nano particles) and five of them are easy to wash and hang in the closet. It also makes it easy to get dressed in the morning.
Today I bought a multi-pack of Ivory soap. Francisco had been insisting on Ivory soap for over a month. It wasn't that he wanted super clean baby smelling skin, he took a bar and put it on a paper plate and microwaved it for one minute. The result was a giant puff of fluff that looked like a meringue on a home made pie. Purpose? I don't know. It was fun to watch, though.
TTFN - the 9pm whining has begun.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Mom is BACK!
After a month of craziness at work and a slump in my health, I am feeling pretty good again! For a while I felt like I was climbing back up a muddy cliff. Actually, I have felt that way for a few years - perhaps more than I care to remember.
This week I started drinking Mona Vie. I honestly think it is a magic elixir. Okay - maybe I don't really believe in magic elixirs, but this is the closest thing to it that I've ever had. In just 6 days, I feel soooooo much more energetic and more like my old self - the old self that never stopped moving, going, working, playing! While I am not there yet, perhaps I will be soon. Fingers crossed.
Also - I suppose it helps that I finally bit the bullet and got a housekeeping service! After years of struggling with the housework and spending my weekends in cleaning madness, I was absolutely DELIGHTED to come home to a clean, sparkling, dusted house on Tuesday. It didn't even matter that they broke my one-of-a-kind hand painted leopard spotted milk pitcher---a small price to pay for clean toliets.
Today the weather was great - and I was counting myself blessed. I loved seeing the maple leaves swirl in the wind and the sun was brilliant and Toronto was a clear, jubilant 13 degrees C. The squirrels were dancing by the fence and the geese were utterly confused. It felt like Indian summer. Even when the kids yelled 'Mom' with 6 syllables and a high pitched whine - I didn't mind. Well, maybe just a little. Mom at rest. It's a good thing.
This week I started drinking Mona Vie. I honestly think it is a magic elixir. Okay - maybe I don't really believe in magic elixirs, but this is the closest thing to it that I've ever had. In just 6 days, I feel soooooo much more energetic and more like my old self - the old self that never stopped moving, going, working, playing! While I am not there yet, perhaps I will be soon. Fingers crossed.
Also - I suppose it helps that I finally bit the bullet and got a housekeeping service! After years of struggling with the housework and spending my weekends in cleaning madness, I was absolutely DELIGHTED to come home to a clean, sparkling, dusted house on Tuesday. It didn't even matter that they broke my one-of-a-kind hand painted leopard spotted milk pitcher---a small price to pay for clean toliets.
Today the weather was great - and I was counting myself blessed. I loved seeing the maple leaves swirl in the wind and the sun was brilliant and Toronto was a clear, jubilant 13 degrees C. The squirrels were dancing by the fence and the geese were utterly confused. It felt like Indian summer. Even when the kids yelled 'Mom' with 6 syllables and a high pitched whine - I didn't mind. Well, maybe just a little. Mom at rest. It's a good thing.
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