Just love those INFRACTIONS!

What a week! It seems like I packed a month into this one. Tuesday night at work, we had our national awards celebration, so there is a lot of preparation that goes into the evening. I am the host/emcee, so I have to rev up to be at my best. I was so proud of the evening! Toward the end, my feet were numb (damn those 'Oh Heavenly Sole' shoes) and could barely stand, but I was happy to head home glowing in the after bliss. That is - until I rounded the corner in my neighborhood and I noticed the whirling flash of police lights behind me. It seems that I had made a 'rolling stop'. It was about 12:30 AM and I was exhausted - and was only one block from my house.

After a polite interrogation (they thought I had been drinking and were curious why I was dressed so glam on a Tuesday night), I received TWO infractions. Don't you just love the word INFRACTION? One for the rolling stop and one for driving with a suspended license. YES, that's right, it seems that I had forgotten to pay a previous ticket in May for not having a sticker on my ownership paper and my license had been suspended. So - on the spot, I got a court date, January 6th, and began to tally up the $$$ in my tired little head.

I truly believe that the police have some sort of tracker on my truck! Until last year, I had not gotten a ticket in 20 years. Then all of a sudden, 4 tickets (as least) this past year! Curses, curses, curses. So, I am at risk for losing my license. Do you realize that if this happens, I might as well curl up and die? Why? Because the GERMS on public transportation will kill me within a week. I call it the Grubway, instead of the Subway. Personally, I love taking public transporation because the traffic in Toronto raises my blood pressure to stroke level, but I have an ailing immune system and consider it to be riskier than carrying a raw steak into a pack of Dobermans.

What else happened this week? Oh, to make a long story short - it contained the following:
forgotten school photos, anniversary of my Mom's death, mountains of dirty laundry, dead mouse in back yard, lots of back talk from the boys, coughing, hacking chest congestion and the warm happy thought that Christmas is just around the corner.

Ivory Soap and the Croup

Last night, Umberto sat straight up and was gasping for air. Since the swine flu fear has everyone is a panic, of course, adrenaline pulsed from my toes to my scalp - until I heard the cough. Croup. Croup. Croup - and a burning hot fever. I suppose this is the first time that I have been thankful that Ummy has the croup. He has had it every single fall season. For those non-parents, the tell-tale sign of croup is the cough that sounds like a barking seal. For Ummy, the cough and fever are always accompanied by a heavy dose of misery. Which means that we are all pretty much miserable. I'll take my whine with some WINE. Red, please.

Sunday nights usually mean a rush to put away all of the clean clothes. I hate putting away clothes. I think I would much rather lay on a steaming hot sidewalk in the summer sunshine sucking on a gas pipe. I know why movies that are set in the future feature people wearing white spandex jump suits. They have wised up and decided that white spandex is bleachable (or contains self cleaning nano particles) and five of them are easy to wash and hang in the closet. It also makes it easy to get dressed in the morning.

Today I bought a multi-pack of Ivory soap. Francisco had been insisting on Ivory soap for over a month. It wasn't that he wanted super clean baby smelling skin, he took a bar and put it on a paper plate and microwaved it for one minute. The result was a giant puff of fluff that looked like a meringue on a home made pie. Purpose? I don't know. It was fun to watch, though.

TTFN - the 9pm whining has begun.

Mom is BACK!

After a month of craziness at work and a slump in my health, I am feeling pretty good again! For a while I felt like I was climbing back up a muddy cliff. Actually, I have felt that way for a few years - perhaps more than I care to remember.

This week I started drinking Mona Vie. I honestly think it is a magic elixir. Okay - maybe I don't really believe in magic elixirs, but this is the closest thing to it that I've ever had. In just 6 days, I feel soooooo much more energetic and more like my old self - the old self that never stopped moving, going, working, playing! While I am not there yet, perhaps I will be soon. Fingers crossed.

Also - I suppose it helps that I finally bit the bullet and got a housekeeping service! After years of struggling with the housework and spending my weekends in cleaning madness, I was absolutely DELIGHTED to come home to a clean, sparkling, dusted house on Tuesday. It didn't even matter that they broke my one-of-a-kind hand painted leopard spotted milk pitcher---a small price to pay for clean toliets.

Today the weather was great - and I was counting myself blessed. I loved seeing the maple leaves swirl in the wind and the sun was brilliant and Toronto was a clear, jubilant 13 degrees C. The squirrels were dancing by the fence and the geese were utterly confused. It felt like Indian summer. Even when the kids yelled 'Mom' with 6 syllables and a high pitched whine - I didn't mind. Well, maybe just a little. Mom at rest. It's a good thing.

Well, Mom on the Edge almost went over the cliff this past week. My blood pressure was high and every little thing seem to set me off. In fact, I was doing a great job of transforming into a full fledged bitch! The week seemed to whirl by with way too much to do at work and way too many demands at home. Speaking of home, I think it is falling apart! If the laundry piles gets any higher I am afraid that we will all be lost among the dirty clothes for a long time. The fridge needs cleaning out and I really need to go grocery shopping. Needless to say, the washrooms need cleaning - the kitchen needs organizing and I know that I just don't have the energy to do it all. What gives? Practically everything lately. I hope I wake up in a great mood tomorrow with lots of energy so that I can get a bunch of stuff done. Tomorrow, I will think about it tomorrow. Gotta love that Miss Scarlett.

D-Day

Friday was D-Day. Otherwise known as DENTAL surgery day for my 5 year old. I woke up with a terrible cold - sore throat, congestion and a horrific headache. Trying to keep my little one upstairs for cartoons (instead of downstairs near the food), I wished for a Stepford Mommy as a substitute. We took my little angel to the dentist under the guise of 'the dentist just wants to ensure that you are brushing' and he was hopping around like a rabbit until he saw the surgery room. Breathing the strawberry scented anesthesia, he quickly fell asleep but I was on pins and needles. The surgery went fine, but took longer than expected. When he woke up, the crying began and my heart broke. It was a dismal day outside and our moods matched. 5 metal caps and 3 fillings for my little angel and I felt like the guiltiest Mom in the world. Could I have made him brush more? Floss more? Eat less sugar? The dentist said that it was probably genetic, but nonetheless I felt responsible. To top it off, I was getting more sick by the hour and wanted to go home and immerse myself in bed.

On Saturday, I was sure that my head turned into a parade sized goo filled balloon and had chills and aches that only enhanced the giant head feeling. Umberto was having a hard time eating and realized that some of his teeth were silver and the crying began again. I always host Thanksgiving for our family, but had to hand-off to my sister-in-law because of my cold. I am sad, because I do love cooking a BIG dinner with all of my southern dishes - such as my sweet potatoes. And, my turkey is to die for! I will just tell you that the secret to a great turkey is to pack brown sugar all over it like a winter coat and wrap it in bacon. Oh well. I will get over it.

Today is Sunday and the boys and I are enjoying a quiet morning watching Penquins of Madagascar - which is absolute genius. I am high on cold drugs and on my third cup of coffee. It looks sunny day. I have stepped back from the edge. Life if good.

Almost Over the Edge

OK - I am almost over the edge today. After trying like mad to fall asleep last night - I finally left the two tornadoes asleep in one room. I was just drifting off to sleep in my own bed when I heard a big bonk and a little one crying. Of course, the older one sleeps like a out of control clock (round and round the bed with arms and legs splayed out like clock hands) and pushed the younger one off. After crying for 15 minutes (him, not me-although I was crying on the inside), I laid down beside him and finally drifted off to sleep. I think it was about 4am. This morning's rush to school allowed no time for the pre-drop-off coffee, so I waved bleary eyed to the boys and made my way to the drive-thru for the magic elixir of life.

Work was a challenge today - non-stop - craziness, but nothing compares to trying to manage the kids. Around 4pm, I rushed home to pick up the kids early to take them to the doctor for a check up on their ears, nose and throat. It seems like they have constant sore throats and runny noses. As well, I needed a physical assessment of my little one because he is due to have dental surgery tomorrow. I loaded the kids into the car and left the house in such a hurry that I had forgotten to pee. As benign as this seems, I had just guzzled a bottle of water and an XL coffee.

And - of course - I thought I knew where I was going - but I was sadly mistaken. As it happened, my family doctor was out of town and after calling every pediatric clinic in Toronto, I found one willing to see them - but it might as well have been in Neverland. After driving to the wrong part of town and frantically eying Google Maps on my eye phone, I realized that I was about 40 KM away from the clinic. At that moment, I think I felt my eyeballs start to float. Cursing the bottle of water and eying the clock, I turned around to head north toward the clinic.

What a waste of a trip. The only good thing was the clean washroom. Honestly, I am more disappointed in western medicine every day. As soon as my 5 year old senses that he is near a doctor or a dentist, he bursts into melodramatic tears. Tonight was no different. He watched as the doc examined his brother - tears streaming down his face---sobs beginning to get uncontrollable. When it was his turn, the crying had finally subsided a bit. The doctor turned to me after listening to his chest and said, 'perhaps he has fever - look how red his eyes are?' My inner Monique almost kicked him in the ass for being so stupid. Like the typical North American doctor, he thinks of the body as a bunch of disconnected parts. He then scribbled out some prescriptions, including Predisone. I was mortified. I can't believe that a doctor would prescribe Predisone for a comon cold or allergies (there was no real diagnosis from the 'doc'.) And the REAL reason I trekked half way around the globe (GTA) to get the doctor to okay him for dental surgery (which required a pulse, blood pressure and weight check) was annulled. The doctor proclaimed him much too sick for dental surgery. Are you kidding me? ARRGH. I loaded the kids into the car and we were off in search of food.

The older one was demanding dinner at Montana's because he loves steak. The younger one declared that only ribs would do for him. After Googling Montana's and discovering it was in the wrong direction, I set off toward home - confident that we would eventually see something similar. St. Louis Ribs appeared out of nowhere and was my savior. We ate like the three little pigs because it was 9pm by that time. Yes - that worthless expedition took FIVE hours. FIVE. FIVE. FIVE. 5 Hours. Arrgh!

Exhausted and fed-up, I called the 'after hours' number of the dentist's office to inform them that we might have a problem. After several calls between the dentist and the anesthesiologist, we decided to tempt fate and proceed. So at 11:00 EST tomorrow (Friday), put in your ear plugs, because I suspect that the little drama king will be on center stage.

Break! Brake! BRRRRREAK!

What day is today? Honestly, since I feel like I squeeze 3 days into every 1 day, most days I feel like I am a month ahead of myself. But then, why am I always behind? I started the day with a whirlwind rush to drop the boys at school (no Subway sandwich today) but the XL coffee was a must for me. In fact, I think they should install coffee makers into cars so that when you hit the remote start in the morning, it starts to brew. Anyway, after the drop, I began my usual ritual of applying my make-up - or as I refer to it - putting on my MASK. YES - I do it while I am driving and will continue to do so until they make it ILLEGAL. So - there I am - cruising along - applying make-up base with a brush - when I notice someone waving at me from the left. It was a truck-load of construction workers giving me the OKAY sign. Needless to say - since I turned 40, any approval of my appearance makes me giddy - so I waved back and got out the eye shadow. I think a great invention for girls like me (who make-up in the auto) would be a cape (to protect my black clothes) that contains a variety of pockets and loops for the make-up and supplies. Then I could just put on the cape when I get into the car and take it off when I pull into the parking garage. Actually, now that I think about it, it could be sort of a Mary Kay SuperHero Costume. Hey, remember that episode of the Jetson's when Judy was feeling less than perfect and had to answer the video phone? She just whipped out a mask to cloak her visual despair and chatted away. Finally, something to look forward to in the future!

Today, when walking through the concourse (or as I call it - the mole path), an Herbal Magic representative accosted me and gave me a 'stress broccoli' and and a recipe for 'Cajun Potatoes'. Since when does the idea of squeezing a rubbery broccoli make you want to eat it? And - I wonder how many of these types of Landfill Chushkas (spelling TBD-since I'm not Jewish) our ancestors will find in the future? So the Landfill Chushka Broccoli is sitting here at my desk emitting a strong plastic odor - no doubt poisonous - and I realized that I have been stopped twice in the past month by weight loss 'professionals' on the street - one for Curves and now Herbal Magic. There is part of me that wishes that my 'Inner Monique' would have come out and said, 'Kiss my BIG BUTT'. Alas - the softer repressed Baptist Southern Girl said thanks and took the stupid broccoli. I guess I will deal with the repercussions of guilt when I toss it into the trash. PLEASE PEOPLE - STOP MAKING THIS CRAP. And - to those weight loss professionals who feel the need to stop every voluptuous girl - KISS MY BIG BUTT.

All Before 10:30 - Whew!

Well today was a hectic day! This morning, the kids and I raced to Subway - not THE SUBWAY - because I am not that organized - but Subway - the sandwich shop. Why? Because my oldest son wanted a Pizza Sub sandwich for his lunch at school. Since he has been asking for one for about a year - I finally caved. Actually, I would have held out longer - because I used the 'Subway is only open for lunch' excuse 364 days until he saw the 'Subway is now open for breakfast' commercial on the @#$@#$ television. Of course, Subway is adjacent to Tim Horton's - and I really needed my XL coffee - so it wasn't that much of an imposition for me. We raced to school and I dropped off the boys. I always wait in line with my youngest - but I needed to dash to a meeting downtown for 9:20 - so for the first time - I watched them head into the gate and I drove away (eyes misting). The race from my neighborhood to downtown is like a driver's education video game. Somehow, after 12 years of living in Toronto - I have managed to avoid nailing the jaywalkers, crazy bicyclists, errant taxis and rouge motorcyclists. Today was full of 100 near misses and I was absolutely exasperated! As I circled the block looking for parking - cursing construction workers that blocked the entrance to the nearest parking lot - I found a beautiful spot relatively close to my meeting. Hopping out of the car and happy to be done with driving for the morning - I quickly realized that the meter was locked until 9:30! What to do? Risking the $60 ticket or a tow - I raced to the meeting. I was pleasantly suprised upon my return to see the police officer across the street - but no ticket under my wiper! I was elated. I am almost positive that the police have tagged my lovely SUV with RFID - as one more traffic ticket and I lose my license! Yes - that's right - 20 years without a traffic ticket and in the past year - I have had several - most for illegal turns. OK - this confirms my suspicion that I am: A) going in circles, B) can't tell which way is what, C) losing my eyesight and can't read the road signs, D) follow my own rules. Those of you that know me best, can you guess which one is correct?

Manic Mondays

Hi all,

Like that 80's wonder song - Manic Mondays - the beginning of the week usually begins the movement toward Friday's cresendo - in which I collapse like a deflated whirling dervish on my child-beaten sofa. I sometimes wonder if I am the only Mom on the verge of a complete meltdown at any given moment? Likely not. But most of us do a good job of hiding it. I of course, feel as if I am cloaked in a 'I've got it all together' costume. This costume consists of fake glue-on nails (pre-painted), multiple processed hair, Spanx and a coating of mineral make-up. The costume is polished off with various clothes in black (to look slimmer) and to facilitate getting dressed in the dark. For the most part, I wake-up bleary eyed, jonsing for an XL coffee, soaking wet from pre-hormonal night sweats wishing that a fairly godmother existed. It typically takes me 5 minutes to figure out which bed I am in - Child A, Child B or Neglected Husband. Neglected husband spends 90% of his time rolling his eyes as I tip toe past him to the bath---as if to say 'just let them cry' when I make my way to their beds at night. Not me - I have discovered - because as a working Mom - I miss them too much.